It has been over a year since I last took Effexor XR.
To this day, I still get the occasional brain spasm and restless foot syndrome.

In late June, I lost my job due to outsourcing and got another job with a medical equipment sales company. I thought that I would enjoy this job but it became a nightmare and after a violent encounter with the office supervisor there, I had to quit because I refused to work in a threatening environment. Things spiraled downhill for me from there. Everything about my decisions in that timeframe was a mistake. I was actually considering returning into a previously dissolved relationship and took on a job I knew I'd hate just to be decently located when it came time to possibly move. The fallout with the job was a blessing. The consideration of returning to the relationship was annihilated. I was without income and had quite the high rent to pay. I was facing some incredibly ALONE time and I was feeling completely defeated by everything I had tried.

I then decided to take bartending courses because it is something I had always wanted to do but never had the position or guts to try. I got encouragement even from my parents and took the three-week course, graduated and became a certified bartender. I got my first job the day I graduated.

I also had to move. I could not afford to pay rent and I had bills that were overwhelming.

Currently, I am taking a few weeks off because I was hired on as a head bartender at a place that's being built. It should be done in a few weeks. The waiting is making me crazy because I am not working much at the other place anymore. But I am in a good position to be able to spend some time alone and off because where I'm currently at, I don't have to pay rent. Soon, I'll be bartending full-time at a pub 15 minutes from my house and I can just sense the happy times I'll have there.

I am nervous, yes, because I don't want to fail again. Times are a bit tense right now and I've been extremely lonesome (despite several suitors attempting to get -and keep- my attention) but the important aspect here is that I haven't resorted to taking anti-depression medication. I feel tense and aloof because I am not working and being productive like I normally would but that will soon change.

I need to take this time to do some Soul searching and reconstruct my own behavior patterns. Since I moved, I've reacknowledged my sexuality (something that was previously stripped from me), lost the 10 pounds I'd put on during my past depression stint and gone out to several places to socialize and meet new people.

my skin is visibly improving.
my emotional well-being is quickly deteriorating.
i am feeling depressed.
i am so incredibly lonely.

i kind of wonder if these emotional turbulences are brought on by certain foods i intake. sure, there are factors occuring in my life right now that are contributing greatly to my feelings of depression (aka, loss of job, financial choke hold, loneliness) but i wonder if there is something i am doing physically that inhibits good emotional standpoint.

there are several questions running through my mind right now that have to do with love and being loved. aka, am i loved and do you love me? these are perpetuated by the feeling of loneliness. here is the kicker, i spent the entire day with my mother, walking, shopping, helping a mother goose and her six goslings cross the road, driving, eating, feeling very full. i wasn't alone at all. but i am still so lonely... because i really want to be near only one particular person who happens to be quite far away and whose recent conversations toward me have opened up floods of emotion.

i know i am feeling depressed because i am lonely for one person's presence. i know this and there is nothing i can do about it. calling this person won't solve anything and i am very scared that it will make me seem needy and clingy - something i am not by any means, i just don't want it to seem that way. no amount of going anywhere and being social with anyone is going to heal or alleviate this feeling so there's really nothing i can do about it but suffer through it.

8:00pm central on may 20, 2007. i feel depressed.

i happened to have my camera.


whatever it takes.

Since last Thursday I've had an incredibly heavy and painful period. I can only guess that this is because I have not really had my period in about 2.5 months. It's been terrible. I can only remember two other times when I've had an equally debilitating period and that's when I had re-continued using Effexor XR. The pain was so bad that I spent last weekend in bed, barely coherent and have barely survived this workweek. Also, my back pain returned two days ago, however it is now subsiding. I am hoping that this will be better next time around as Yaz works its little magic in my system. The past week has been so painful that I am surprised I even have the strength to continue working and wearing high heels.

And, of course, I went through it all alone. (What else is new?)

Thank you, Heidi, for sending me this article.

May 6, 2007

The New Middle Ages
Self-Nonmedication
By BRUCE STUTZ
Seven years ago, not long after my father died, with my editing job lost, my finances frail, my 26-year marriage failing, a child in college and a mortgage to pay, my brain seemed to lose its way. Sometimes it could barely think at all. Sometimes it tortured a single thought for hours. And sometimes, in desperation and without aim, it released a barrage of anger upon itself.

( continued... )

As I mentioned, I have health insurance now. I am on a hormonal pill called Yaz and my doctor stated it is the first pill approved by FDA for the relief of chronic pain as well as hormonal regulation. She indicated to me that a great deal of the skin issues I've been having are as a result of a hormonal imbalance and that this new pill will greatly help with that. I am already seeing changes in the positive in my skin and lack of overall pain that has so often affected my general well-being. It has also mildly aided with my horrendous sleeping patterns. Because I have only been on it for about three weeks, I cannot completely assess its effects so I'll update in a while.

Yaz

Yaz 28 Oral

Pharmacodynamics

for the past several days i have been feeling incredibly lonely. in order to try nipping this feeling in the bud, i have reached out to some friends and even family and have increased my social interaction. unfortunately, this is only effective while people are present and immediately returns after we part ways. i know now that i cannot spend the rest of my life living alone. i desperately yearn to share my living space with a human companion because i know exactly what it feels like to be aware of coming home to my love or anticipating his arrival. the knowledge that i am not alone in my house (speaking of human presence here) is so amazingly comforting and secure. the ability to speak on a whim and have my words be heard as well as listen to words being spoken while looking into the eyes of my companion, while hold him in my arms, while playfully interacting with him, is not at all overrated. in my experience, loneliness has been a giant influence on my depression and, quite frankly, there is only so much a person can do to avoid being lonely. eventually, friends run out of time, family has work and chores to attend to and coffee houses close for the night. having space all to myself is very nice indeed, but after having experienced both ways of living i have to admit that i prefer cohabiting with my love.

this, of course, supports my belief that one of the core needs of humanity is to find another individual with whom to spend our lives. the need for companionship and soul-level security is ancient and appears not only in humans but nature as well. i am feeling this need intensely as of late and it's been hard not to allow it to perpetuate into feelings of hoplessness and self-deprication. subsequently, i do not support the belief that so many people hold which states that another individual cannot make me feel a certain way or that i am the only one responsible for my feelings and reactions. i firmly believe that people make each other feel many different emotions and influence reactions. believing otherwise further isolates people from uniting with humanity and the emotions that make up precious energy which interacts within and throughout each and every one of us. the "independent and don't need anyone" bit is old, worn and screams past pain and defiance. it is necessary to a point, however it is not the all-complete way of being. independence is hugely important - as is the interaction and support of ones that love us.

this summer will be especially difficult for me considering it will not be spent living together with someone i love. and being the mainly pessimistic thinker that i am in regards to my love life, that's bound to bring forth feelings of depression and anxiety which i will have to work extra hard at controlling and keeping at bay.